


Fought It Through The Teeth

by Amberly



Series: Just Like Heaven [22]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, M/M, Married People Fighting, PTSD, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27123196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amberly/pseuds/Amberly
Summary: It was too much. They were too much, too impossible, a Gorgon’s knot of trauma and repression and fear and Duo felt the weight of it press down on the fragile origami they had built together. Every other horror they had faced, the ghosts that breathed down their necks even in their quietest moments, the careful weaving of love and trust and respect shattered like so much hot glass on a cold countertop. Shredded because of Duo’s barbed tongue.
Relationships: Chang Wufei/Duo Maxwell
Series: Just Like Heaven [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/405643
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	Fought It Through The Teeth

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Hello! I’m sorry. I promise you fluff on Thursday, but today, it’s not fluff. Today it’s the acknowledgement that sometimes you need some help to learning to fight fair when you’re Building a Happy Ending. Angst first, and then the fluff. Lots of fluff, I promise

He couldn’t make them stop. The nightmares. Duo fell asleep curled around Wufei and woke covered in sweat, sprawled out on his side of the bed with bile coating his tongue. Sometimes he bolted. Had to bolt, rushing to the bathroom and making it just in time to empty his stomach, fear like a vise around his heart. If he was lucky, he didn’t wake his husband. Left him sleeping peacefully, unaware of the panic churning Duo’s stomach. It wasn’t that Duo didn’t want him to know, but Wufei had his own anxieties. They were both riddled with scars, even now, two years after the fact, and sometimes Duo wondered if this was just what life was going to be like. If this was the price of their happiness, something to be carried along with all the bright joy Wuefi brought to his life.  
  
Tonight it was the rose room. Too much sunlight and the cloying sweetness of perfume, a loving tomb to a man long dead. Carefully preserved clothes and a journal full of obsession. It sent Duo out of bed, out of the bedroom and into the garden, where it was cool. Cold, almost, early spring a balm on his panic-heated skin. The stars were still out, sky dark, and Duo soaked it up. Sat on the stone bench on the edge of Wufei’s rock garden and focused on his breath. On breathing, slow and even the way he’d learned in therapy. Something he’d had to pick up when he’d come home, too away of the ghosts that followed him. The shrapnel still living inside of him. He kept it as close to his heart as he could but sometimes--  
  
There was a change in air pressure. Slight, small enough that maybe no one else would’ve noticed, but Duo did and he moved without thought. Stood and pivoted, primed for a fight already. The sand under his feet was gritty and distantly he felt bad. Very distantly, the rest of him curled in an angry snarl, fists up and it took him too long to realize it was just Wufei. Took him too long to realize the long hair was black and not blond and that the height was all wrong and when he did he slumped. Covered his face with his hands and let out a bone-weary sight. Wufei didn’t move. He stood barefoot and wearing one of Duo’s sweaters on the path, watching him with shadows on his face.  
  
“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to come outside anymore.”  
  
“I didn’t really think about it, Fei.” Even from feet away Duo could see Wufei’s nostrils flare. Could feel the frustration and he went white hot with it. His hands shook and the thin and thready control he had over himself snapped. There was no space to breathe, no space to calm down, fury and panic merged into the same sharpness under his skin. “You know, with the nightmare and the panic and the need to get the fuck out of that bed.”  
  
Wufei completely deflated and then closed off and tensed. Years later, Duo could look back and know that was the moment, pinpoint exactly how that felt. The strange hollow in his own throat, the way it felt like there was something under his scalp, hot and writhing. It was too much. They were too much, too impossible, a Gorgon’s knot of trauma and repression and fear and Duo felt the weight of it press down on the fragile origami they had built together. Every other horror they had faced, the ghosts that breathed down their necks even in their quietest moments, the careful weaving of love and trust and respect shattered like so much hot glass on a cold countertop. Shredded because of Duo’s barbed tongue. 

“Fei--” 

“No. No, absolutely not, Duo.” It was stiff, the dark of Wufei’s eyes guarded. Cut off and Duo felt it keenly, biting his lip. “You do not get to say that to me--to me, when I’m only out here to check on you! Because I was worried!--and then immediately act like you didn’t do anything.” Duo bristled. Duo bristled and Wufei was already not bristled but worse, icy cold as he looked at him and Duo swallowed and crossed his arms over his chest.  
  
“You snuck up on me! You--you know you can’t--”  
  
“Yes! I do!” Wufei shouted at him. Shouted, such a change of character that Duo went still. “I do know that! Because after the last time we had this argument, you promised that you _would not come outside._ Do you remember?”  
  
“Why bother when you’re just going to throw it in my face again anyway.” Duo sneered. Clutched his upper arms and turned away, blinking rapidly. “I had a panic attack. It’s not like I was thinking clearly.”  
  
“That doesn’t mean you get to break a promise, Duo!” Wufei was still shouting. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he turned away. Away from Duo and back toward the house. “Fine. If you want to stay out here in the cold, alone, destroying my rock garden and pouting because I’m trying to hold you accountable, fine. So be it. It’s clear you don’t want to be with me anyway.”  
  
Duo curled on himself. Listened to Wufei’s bare feet pad away and the sharp almost-slam of the sliding glass door. He was raged out. He curled in on himself, knees trembling as he crouched in the sand. Wufei’s sand. Wufei’s rock garden, his sanctuary and Duo felt guilt rise like bile, like the nausea he’d fled. Touching his forehead to his knees, Duo sniffled. Bit back his tears and then stood on shaky legs. He let out one long breath and took another one and made his way to the hammock. Their hammock, together, but--Duo pushed the fear down. Hid it away the way he hid everything else and climbed in with trembling limbs.  
  
It was cold. Colder now as exhaustion swept over him, his gaze fixing on the stars. It kept happening. No matter what Duo did, they kept fighting and it hurt every time. Either it was Duo saying or doing the wrong thing or Wufei doing or saying the wrong thing and in the end, it didn’t matter. He was just as hurt. Just as alone and terrified as he’d been before, shivering in the hammock or on the couch and wishing he’d just kept his mouth shut, like a normal person. Wishing he’d just kept his promise, like a normal person. He drifted to sleep with sour in his mouth and longing in his limbs, exhaustion clawing him down.

* * *

There was a blanket over him when he woke. Two blankets, thick, and Duo stared at them for several moments. Blinked rapidly and drew them to his nose, inhaling deeply. It smelled like incense and tea and Wufei’s hair warmed in sunlight. He climbed out of the hammock. Folded the blankets. Tucked one under each arm and made his way to the house. Hesitated at the rock garden and then moved on. Later. He would fix that later. Smooth away the prints of his feet once there was enough light.  
  
It would be harder to smooth away what had been said.  
  
Inside, it smelled like coffee. Like coffee and tea, and toast. Duo put the folded blankets on the edge of the couch and padded to the kitchen, his hair a wild snarl behind him. Wufei stood at the stove, eating toast in a silence with tombstone shoulders. Quietly, Duo picked up his coffee. Took a sip and cringed because it was perfect. It was perfect the same way Wufei was perfect and he let his head hang. Stared at the granite island in the house his husband had built for them when the blooming thing between them was only just shooting out leaves, tender and green. He cleared his throat.  
  
“Don’t apologize.” Wufei cut him off, turning to look seriously across the island at him. His arms were across his chest and there was a wariness there Duo hadn’t seen in a while. Hadn’t seen in a long time. He swallowed and took another sip of his coffee. “I know you’re sorry, Duo. You’re always sorry.”  
  
“I am, though,” Duo said, quietly. There was no defensiveness left in him. He felt like an overused dishrag, resting his forehead on the island and taking another long, shuddering breath. “I hate fighting with you.”  
  
“I hate fighting with you.” Wufei replied.To anyone else it might’ve been snippy, but Duo heard it for what it was. Heard it as a return of his own feelings, a validation given in the way only Wufei could. He set his mug of tea on the counter and Duo held his breath. Slowly raised his head to look his husband in the eye. “I can’t do it anymore.”  
  
“Wu--” Duo could only croak, every breath in his body gone. Gone like Wufei would be gone and Duo held his coffee mug with too-tight hands and stared at him. “I don’t--” There was a sudden look of understanding. A sudden widening of his black eyes and then his arms were around Duo’s shoulders. His forehead was against Duo’s temple and Duo could only curl his fingers around Wufei’s forearm. Could only cling to him and hiccup as Wufei pressed a sudden flurry of kisses to the side of his face.  
  
“No--Not that. Duo, I’m so sorry. So sorry, love,” Wufei murmured, pressing against him as Duo’s breath stuttered-stopped. “I meant fight. I meant I can’t fight with you anymore.”  
  
“But--” Duo squeezed out. Pulled back to look at Wufei, swallowing hard. Tipping his head back some even as he clinged, letting out a wavering breath. “We always fight, and every time--I don’t mean to and I can’t--I keep hurting you.”  
  
“You do,” Wufei acknowledged, voice soft. “And I keep hurting you.”  
  
“Maybe we _should_ \--”  
  
“Duo.” It was serious, Wufei’s hands finding his own. Duo turned to face him and shuddered. He met Wufei’s eyes with his own, trying to quell the trembling in his lower lip. The painful clench of his jaw. “Do you want me to leave?”  
  
Duo shook his head, fast and fierce.  
  
“Do you want to leave me?”  
  
Another shake, Duo’s hands tightening on Wufei’s. Drawing him closer. He leaned his head forward, resting it against Wufei’s chest and shaking his head again. Swallowed as Wufei’s arms went around his head, fingers in his hair. 

“I don’t want that either.” Wufei told him. “And I told you before--if you want me gone, you’ll have to tell me.” There was a small smile at the corner of his mouth. The secret Wufei smile Duo treasured above all others. 

“I don’t want you gone.”  
  
“I’m glad we agree.” Soft, so soft. Tentative as hope, Wufei’s smile deepening as Duo’s fingers brushed against that corner. “We can’t keep fighting like this, and we don’t want to be done. So...what do we do?”  
  
“We’re already in therapy, Fei.”  
  
“We are,” Wufei agreed. “But maybe we could go together sometime. Learn how to have an argument without it becoming a fight.” Duo stared at him. It was an idea he hadn’t considered, not when they were already both dealing with things on their own. Addressing their private ghosts and facing down their own, private hells. They talked about it, sometimes. At night, in bed, when they were safe and together, and Duo nodded as something clicked. The way they talked about it, but not about each other. The way they talked around the things they’d lived through together, the lingering wounds from when the world had blown up and Duo had ran as fast as he could.  
  
“You’re worth the try,” Duo said at last. It was true. Wufei was worth anything, everything, and Duo for his part knew he couldn’t do anything but everything to keep him. Whatever it took. 


End file.
